The Princess and The Peeta
by NightingaleHawthorne
Summary: The fairy tale of how Peeta's dick fell in love with Katniss' vag and they banged like screen doors in a hurricane... a hurricane of true love. Also, Buttercup was there.


Once upon a time there was a sullen, morose princess named Katnyss of Everdeene. Apparently, she was beautiful and charming in an unconventional way because people from far and wide throughout the land of Panem admired her and wrote tumblr essays pontificating upon her perfection, even though she was blind as Helen fucking Keller when it came to romantic relationships and had more issues than _Vogue._ But still, she was strong and loyal and probably of a mixed ethnicity and should've been played by a biracial actress in the movie or at least by a very tanned white girl.

Princess Katnyss was perfection. The only thing that she lacked - like every woman in every story, always - was a husband. See, her little sister, Prymrose, had died in a fiery accident leaving the Princess with a broken heart and also some third degree burns. What she needed was a man to heal her. She traveled all over looking for the perfect prince and even had a kiss or two at Ye Olde Slag Heape with a well-endowed local hunter named Gale de Hawthorne (later known as _Gale the Villain_, then as _Gale the He's Just Misunderstood, You Guys_). But, alas, no one was perfect enough for Princess Katnyss of Everdeene.

One dark and foreshadowy night, a Prince named Peeta Rye Baguette of the House of Mellarkov appeared at the kingdom's gates in search of a reprieve from the rain. His mother was well known throughout the fandom as an evil witch, and his brothers were known for being named after bread products. His blonde hair shone _impossibly_ all around his head in a dewy golden halo and his blue eyes were as_ impossibly_ deep and soulful as lakes or at least big, _impossible_ puddles.

His sweater was kind of weird.

The Queen of Everdeene, however, doubted his claim to be of royal blood and decided to test this in a move that was extremely OOC but no one really noticed or cared because she was a minor character. Just before Prince Peeta retired to his room, she presented her daughter Katnyss to him and had her stand up on a chair with two braids in her hair to sing _The Valley Song._ The Queen knew that a true prince would be so enchanted by Princess' lilting voice and so entranced by her multiple braids that he'd never be able to sleep afterwards, not even on twenty Capitol-made mattresses topped with twenty Capitol-made featherbeds.

Indeed, although Peeta Rye Baguette of the House of Mellarkov lay upon twenty Capitol-made mattresses topped with twenty Capitol-made featherbeds that night, he simply could not sleep a wink. All he could think about was the Princess Katnyss and how she was unquestionably his soul mate and the only woman his penis had ever worshipped. He longed to eat her out like a champ and make her come sixteen to twenty times daily and then bake bread and cake and cookies for her, day in, day out, until his hands were chapped and arthritic from all that baking and fingerblasting.

The next morning, the Queen of Everdeene asked Prince Josh Hutcher- uhh, Peeta Rye Baguette of the house of Mellarkov how he had slept.

"Terribly!" he replied. "I couldn't rest at all knowing that the Princess has never known the pleasure of having my impressive meat pole or equally impressive cheese buns in her mouth! I would do anything for her," he declared, angelic, round tears filling his angelic, round eyes. His voice dropped to a melodramatic, slightly creepy-obsessive whisper as he repeated, "_Anything!_"

And that's how they knew he was a real fairy tale prince, for nobody but a perfect, perfect prince could be so perfectly predictable.

The next day, Princess Katnyss of Everdeene and Prince Peeta Rye Baguette of the House of Mellarkov were married. They spent the rest of their lives banging harder than screen doors in a hurricane, which completely healed the Princess of her crippling depression without the help of pharmaceuticals or intensive long-term therapy. Princess Katnyss consistently "fell apart" when Prince Peeta ploughed her lady garden. She also never once got a bladder infection and his ejaculate tasted like Skittles.

Also, Buttercup was there.

_The end._


End file.
